Monday 23 April 2012

Today


Monday, 23rd April 2012
05:46:Hrs;

The stuff from Pim van Lommel ..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOeLJCdHojU  (two to four videos plus book) here;
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Consciousness-Beyond-Life-Near-Death-Experience/dp/0061777269/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1335178820&sr=8-2

.. seems to be a useful piece in the puzzle .. the riddle of existence .. and the link between real, non-local consciousness and the difference between it and thought which becomes mistaken for the totality of consciousness and is connected with brain activity .. NDEs prove that consciousness is not only not a product of brain activity but that real consciousness (which informs thought and dualistic consciousness) is also non local and has vision which is not only 360 degrees but also does not use the eyes .. it is a consciousness not restricted by time or space and may go forward or back in time .. (citation for both needed .. especially the forward one) ..
The idea and the suggestion is that this is somehow connected with, or a proof of, real life in the individual, which is experienced when to all intents and purposes what is generally taken to be the ‘person’ is dead. In other words there is life after death or this apparent life and probably therefore, before it also .. or there is a life or consciousness which is non-temporal.
The evidence for this type of consciousness also suggests that it is what really informs everyday temporal consciousness .. and that maybe when dualistic everyday consciousness kicks in during the development of an infant or child and we start to identify with the labelling, thinking, dualistic, judging self, that is when we lose the ‘heart’s eyes’ as Sheikh Nazim would say .. or that consciousness which only advanced and serious practitioners of spiritual paths such as sufism are heir to, but which is actually a natural characteristic of all us and gets somehow lost or covered up by dualistic limited consciousness in infancy .. There is a connection here to the creation story in which Adam and Eve lose their existence in the original ‘God consciousness’, or Paradise, by eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil .. in other words taking on dualistic consciousness.
The serious problem for modern man lies in his over confidence in this dualistic consciousness coupled with science and scientific theory to deliver a version of man restricted to only dualistic consciousness and thus successfully severing him from a context with any real significance or meaning for his life apart from that which may be garnered through aquisitions experiences and pleasures within material existence and the short time span of the existence of his body and brain.
There is thus no eternal or spiritual dimension to modern man’s life .. and so, aided and abetted by science and a virtually atheist education  .. the scramble for accumulation of goods and the highest good being economic success is over-emphasised by this dangerous modern development and seriously hinders development of modern society in a really humanitarian way because we are rapidly becoming less than human without  the peculiarities of individuality and free will within a non spacio-temporal context .. and generally accepting ourselves (if science gets its way) as mere machines controlled by thought which is in turn taken to be a product of the brain.
I’m on the edge of saying something here but can’t quite formulate it .. at the same time I am on the edge of a certain state of consciousness but can’t quite make it because when the dualistic function of the brain starts to shut down sleep is incurred and if not fear kicks in and the connection to the non-dual is not made ..
Letting go of linear dualistic thought while awake is not an easy thing .. but it is helped by the recognition of a higher and greater, superior form of consciousness operating in one all the time, which would seem to be proven by reports of the NDE experience.
This is also connected with the saying of our prophet Muhammad “He who knows himself, knows his Lord.” And the well known adage “Die before you die.” In other words die to the everyday self and consciousness and open up to this greater non-local one which is hidden or buried within you.
It is why Sheikh Nazim advises us not to ask who God is but ask who we are .. It is also the basis for Self Realisation .. Looking for the real self requires leaving the confines of the false limited self defined by dualistic consciousness .. and in this sense the ‘No-selfers’ as I call them are doing something useful in pointing out to people that if they look for their self it will be found to not really exist .. the frustrating and annoying thing with them is that they will not take the next step in recognising that despite having discovered this yet they are still conscious and functioning and therefore the real question is; Where is the seat of that consciousness once you have recognised that it is not you or your accustomed everyday self or in any way connected to the constant stream of thoughts except perhaps as the fount of them .. but not identical with them .. ? There is a real recognition within this group of the first steps of Self realisation or non-dual consciousness .. ‘You are not your body and you are not your mind.’ but it is then left there with no conclusion being drawn or implied which would lead to a deeper meaning being apprehended with respect to the significance of human life on earth.
‘You’ are a constant state which is the observer of the ups and downs of life .. the changes in pleasure and pain .. the observer of the apparently self-organising  self-running familiar entity which is made up of the body with its sensations and the thoughts with their associated emotions.
Identification with the the thoughts and the body and the associated sensations and emotions is where most people live and have their consciousness .. but there is a higher state of consciousness and it implies a connection with all other beings especially human beings but also animals and even inanimate existence or objects .. This is the sensation of ‘unity’ common to all so-called mystical experience.
Both the experience of unity and the existence of non-local consciousness as experienced and reported in NDEs are direct indicators of something .. in the form of a connecting principle ..which traditionally would have been reconised as God in some way or other .. a direct contact with that which has always been assumed or understood to be the cause the First Cause or Creator of this world and all that is in it and on it, especially man and his consciousness, which is higher than that of the animals precisely because it can find the true non-local consciousness (or God) within itself ..
It is said in the sufi tradition that there is no place in the universe which can contain God except for the heart of man. There is also a tradition about God hiding Himself in the one place that man would never think to look .. In his own heart !
Above the entrance to The Oracle at Delphi was written “Man, know thyself !”...
It is also emphasised in the sufi tradition that “Allah is closer to man than his own jugular vein.” ( a saying from the Quran) .. and Ibn Arabi known as Sheikh Al Akbar .. (The Greatest Sheikh) .. had a particular teaching known as Wahdat al Wujud or The Unity of Being .. in which he propounded the knowledge that in reality there is nothing but Allah ..
07:14:Hrs; ..
My typing and coordination are getting so bad that I just managed to hit a combination of keys that deleted the whole of the present document just as I feel I am beginning to express what I have been trying to work on my whole life and I felt it to be like a Divine warning (if not punishment) about the tendency to write about these things without ‘practicing’ them, in the way which is taught as the foundation stone of sufism and Islam, that man is not created for anything but to worship Allah .. according to the Koranic ayat “I did not create man and djinn for anything but to worship Me.” .. and the saying, “ Worship Allah and  He will be your teacher ."
I am in a total state of nerves after that !
My conscience tells me that I should do that .. and that it is man’s responsibility to worship according to the Islamic tradition and that that is the true meaning of life but .. wether through a runaway ego or a runaway mind or rebellion or pride or laziness or incapacity .. or questioning and lack of total faith in Islam / Muhammad because of the aggressive, supposedly defensive, but it would seem aggressive, nature of the Koranic teaching .. or because I am a coward .. I don’t know .. or a combination of all of the above .. I am not sure .. I don't do that and over the years have gradually drifted away from any practice at all and have a very reduced contact or identification with the Islamic sufi community.
I end up questioning wether it is really an untenable path and word view or if the problem is just me and my weaknesses. I just don’t feel fully authentic identifying with the muslim manner of worship .. Arabic language .. arab customs and world view .. I don’t know .. and yet I believe in and feel I am surrounded by evidence for God both in the material world and in myself .. (and the Quran says "And We will show them signs on the horizons and in themselves.").
I am sure that an enlightened state exists and that it has many levels and multiple  facets, extensions and depths .. above and beyond the scope of many true experiences of non-dual consciousness and awareness of the illusion of the false self .. In the sense that someone like Sheikh Nazim would seem to have access to a world of unity which extends far beyond the limited vision of a unique place in space and time .. whereas most of the present day teachers of non-duality give little or no hint of this and even around Ramana Maharshi there is not a wealth of reports of regular access to and life in, a non-spacio-temporal dimension .. which interacts with this narrow and limited space time material one .. though some reports do show this .. in his appearances to people before meetings in the flesh as was the case with  Robert Adams who had seen him at the foot of his bed as a child before meeting him in India as an adult and others who knew him at a distance ..

How to martial this information and these examples into a coherent document .. or even blog entry and especially with reference to the possibility of producing a book is hard to imagine .. I have little or no experience of how to do these things in a coherent and meaningful serious way ..
As with the music (which I probably should forget in light of my recent attempts and experiences with modern technology and old age affecting memory and coordination plus lack of musical and technical ability ) I am beginning to be a little desperate to produce something useful to others (and maybe productive of some income for myself ) as a result of all my investigations, reading, practices and experience.

07:43:Hrs;
Ay Dios ! The nerves !
I go to the loo and read something from “The Assassin’s Cloak.” A collection of entries from famous diarists .. it is from Ilaine de Pougy and speaks of what appears to be the answer to a prayer by a friend of her cook on a visit to Lourdes .. in the form of a sudden and unexpected sale of the family house .. She says that some would call it a coincidence but she prefers to see it as a small miracle .. adding that after all isn’t the existence of each one of us a miracle ?
Reflecting on this I realise that it may be a good idea (and something that I rarely think of ) to pray to God for help in achieving my aim if I want to write a book encouraging people to believe in Him, in whatever way they may be able to accept, and in the light of the coincidence of evidence and reports from all religions and spiritual paths .. Believe in Him or at least other realities and dimensions beyond the measurable material existence limited by space and time ...
Science is seen by many non-scientists and some scientists as well as having an opportunity to bridge the traditional divide between the spiritual and scientific worlds through quantum physics and its implied necessary inclusion of human consciousness as a factor in the understanding of how the material world functions.
Many if not most spiritual teachers speak of the co-relative effect of one’s own actions and even thoughts, upon the holistic reality and quantum physics has been forced to accept that observation is a factor to be taken into account due to the effect that it has upon experiments at deep and subtle levels of investigation into the nature of wave and particle theories of light and energy.
There is also more evidence from investigations into neuro plasticity that thought can effect the material world and change the structure of the brain ..
All of the excitement from the Russians and spoon bending and non-local cognition .. seems to have died down or gone off the everyday radar but there was a great deal of money spent on investigations by the American army when it was thought to be of possible use in reconnaisance.
The familiar idea of separate entities that can be analysed without reference to the whole has to be gradually and carefully laid aside and Bells theorem has shown how twin particles seperated in space react at precisely the same time proving a non spacial or temporal  connection which provably exists within the material world ..
It seems so utterly simple to understand the unity of all things and that even the manifestations of unity are actually none other than that same unity reflected in different forms but not separate or different from it .. until it comes to trying to explain it in physical terms while using labelling, naming, dualistic language.
The One and the many .. is a concept found in all spiritual paths wether theistic or not, from Taoism (as expressed at the beginning of the Tao te Ching) .. through Zen to even western Christianity (one could even cite the Trinity as an example) ..
Multiplicity in unity .. unity in multiplicity .. Multiplicity in appearance and manifestation .. unity in reality and causation ..
It puts one in mind of Ghazzali’s famous “No secondary causes.” .. and this connects neatly with Bell’s theorem as a proof from modern physics. If twin particles separated in space react to a stimulus upon on one of them at exactly the same time with no time lag .. what is the connection ?
It also puts one in mind of telepathic communication and cognisance at a distance which can be evidenced by everything from reports of the Buddah’s knowledge of his students questions and states of mind before their physical arrival to see him or any verbal communication between them, to Rupert Sheldrake’s experiments with cat and dog owners and the animal’s apparent knowledge of their imminent arrival .. (beyond what can be attributed to acute sense of smell etc) ..
My own Sheikh has often evidenced knowledge of people’s states needs and situations at a distance and there have been many cases reported of direct help or apparent intervention in events as a result of ‘meded’ or using a spiritual connection to call for help ..(I have myself had experience of this .. which seemed undeniable in its directness and immediacy as well as flexibility or repeatability .. and was similar to other cases often reported around situations involving difficulties with travel and vehicles.)
How to apply all this and make it useful and pertinent in the here and now ? Is there a way or should I try to use it to solve my present problem with rerspect to income and my apparently useless unproductive existence ? If I am confused I can at least ask or pray to be guided to the right action and activity and attitude ..
I would like the solution to be connected to my chosen or natural activity which is writing and words and it really seems like time to produce or manifest something now which may be of benefit to others and might help my own financial situation vis a vis income and personal self-support.
Over time I have come up with many titles for such a work but cannot particularly remember any of them now .. It seems that for me a title is helpful in creating a vision or goal which would help shape the writing into a coherent whole. Such as .. (embarrassed smile as he invents something ) .. “Non Duality in the light of NDEs, Quantum Physics and Mystical experience.” or “The Unitary Principle in Eastern and Western Philosphy, Spirituality and science.”  the latter of which would give a chance to include Plotinus and the Neo-Platonist principle of The One .. (maybe the soul and the Great Chain of Being) I need a kind of brain storming session on this because it must be catchy and also inclusive without making a list in the title.
The elements floating around today are various:
NDEs .. Quantum Physics .. Plotinus .. Sufism .. Zen .. Taoism .. Telepathy and non-local cognition ... Bell’s Theorem ..
It might be a modern slightly New Agey version of The Perennial Philosophy and could even touch on the relevance of the LoA stuff as well as  sympathetic magic as examples of the interconnectedness of everything.  The 'A-causal Connecting Principle.’ .. of  Jung with respect to the I Ching and the Secret of the Golden Flower .. Taoist thought .. alchemy and the turning of the lead of the ego and space-time-bound materialist consciousness into the gold of spiritual consciousness .. are all subjects which have relevance and can be brought to bear on the theme of unity the One and non-duality.
The least that can be said about a commonality of modern experience of non-dual consciousness is that there is a kind of ‘stepping out of’ the self .. “No one home” as one writer put it .. The common experience is being aware of thought and activity carrying on as normal but a disconnection from the perception of oneself as the author of them or the ‘FSA’ as Wayne Liqorman calls it (the False Sense of Authorship) ..
Man  cannot ‘do’ was an interesting concept for followers of the Gurdjieff school ..
One of the ideas propounded in sufism (and other schools and esoteric paths as well) is that the station of unity, or 'annihilation in God', is the highest form of existence for a human because he becomes a perfect instrument of God .. living in and acting from the conscious reality that man’s sense of being able to do caused by his ego-bound consciousness is not in harmony with the real situation of all actually coming from One source .. even being the One Source .. The person or apparent individual annihilated in God makes no mistakes despite appearances .. ( in the case of certain great Sheikhs famously appearing to break the norms of Islamic shariat law) .. because he is not acting from ego .. but from spiritual consciousness .. God acts through the enlightened Saint .. summed up in the Quranic phrase “It was not you who threw when you threw.” Referring to a moment in battle when the Prophet (pbuh) picked up a handful of dust and threw it at the enemy causing it to blind them and thus turning the outcome of the battle in the Muslim’s favour.
There is emphasis in sufism upon the fact that material means are not the way to either win wars or spread Islam .. All is in God’s hands and only He may do what is really right and necessary (again often despite appearances) .. It is the struggle of those on the spiritual path to accept the ‘slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” in the knowledge that whatever happens, happens in reality by the will of God and should not be opposed or argued with as it has an inherent perfection which may not always be apprehended by human consciousness.
Many non-dualists even those outside of any theistic tradition propound a similar understanding of life as the only way to achieve inner peace and safety from the turbulence of judgemental ego inspired choice .. which can only be the cause of suffering because by nature the ego is never in agreement with  what is happening .. it always wants something else or to be somewhere else anf for things to be different to how they are .. and even then when they are different .. the new situation, person or thing is immediately seen in the same discontented light .. Dissatisfaction with what is is the constant source of suffering.
Pride is the prime mover of this attitude and the salient characteristic of the angel which fell from grace to become the devil due to refusing to bow before the form of Adams in recognition of his special place in creation. Humility the only real antidote .. It was upon this basis that a disciplic chain of succession was established in sufism as well as in the Hindu spiritual tradition .. via the submission of the will of an unenlightened one to the will of an enlightened one, who, acting and speaking on behalf of a higher will and consciousness was capable of inducting the lower dualistic material nature & consciousness into a higher non-dual unitary and spiritual one.


Thursday 12 April 2012

A couple of new days later ..

Thursday, 12th April 2012
10:57:Hrs;
That was yesterday .. today’s another day .. In fact that was yesterday around mid-day .. and the afternoon was different and the evening was different again ..
Intellectually we all know every moment is new .. and of course it is ! So .. lucky us .. human beings .. maybe not appreciating enough the wonder and marvel of simply .. life .. perhaps not giving enough thanks .. I would like to .. right here and right now ..
Whoo ! where to start with what’s been going on ? Generally speaking of course .. too much information .. both giving and receiving so .. a precis maybe ..
Yesterday’s stuff in the afternoon will be on the other comp .. I went to it to try out the simplicity of being on the sofa with just the comp and no peripherals .. went to Ableton 8.2.2 because it has a lot of sounds and instruments that I don’t have available on the Lite or trial 8 versions .. Made a couple of tracks of weird sounds using clips and the Operator synth .. Fun .. a bit crazy but a relief from the rigors of trying to make straight music in such a complicated way and also from all that heavy beats DJ type music which I don’t even like much and Ableton seems so oriented towards .. It would be great if they were a bit more balanced in their approach and gave a few more ‘normal’ instrument sounds at a lower entry level .. It’s perhaps not what they are all about but it seems a shame that maybe there isn’t an equivalent level for straightforward sounds and music .. Pro Tools perhaps ? (I should write to Hashim) .. Maybe I could write to their support team / forum and suggest it ?
So .. when I had done that I stuck them with some photos on Picasa and did a couple of videos .. just banged out .. one with a short and more spacey track using images of the universe that I had collected about the Unleashed book cover, here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hq_UZ7-LO0s&context=C46dea66ADvjVQa1PpcFNhfdob5DaKstjUiMqlXGk4UHU08dt9hBI=
and the other one more crashing and weird and a bit longer using the images of comic answers to the search for Truth, here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9jCfEvrnZI&context=C4b894a5ADvjVQa1PpcFNhfdob5DaKshd4B8GWSWMlI7Cihsq_69s=
.. Quite fun .. although of course nobody’s going to look at them ! ha haa  .. Who can I direct to them ? Mahmoud .. Martin .. Vicki .. Jamal .. Patricia .. I just basically think it’s nothing they haven’t seen before and they’re all much too busy to spend time on that stuff .. (?) .. negative attitude ? well maybe .. or just realistic .. I don’t know .. Of course it begs the question of why do it in the first place .. (answer .. practice .. getting better .. gradually jacking up skills in all areas & how to get them onto the net .. which equates to ‘general release’ .. maybe in the vain hope that someone will find them and like them .. a bit like the thing that that dear old Oxford professor type said to me in Brighton .. “You write to be overheard.” .. and like Alix’s thing of calling my music “Songs from another room.” ss’O.K.)
Then there are all the people on Facebook .. but what to do there ? Many of them will give over the top praise which they tend to do in a spirit of lovee and spirituality and positive thinking but it is hardly objective or useful criticism .. I don’t think I need it and really perhaps I don’t want it because I already know how amateurish the efforts are .. just ideas chucked out and bits and pieces put together using the tehnology available at a general level these days to make some collages and to me they are fun .. but ..
So anyway .. I did that .. (I know in some ways I should put all this stuff on the ‘Just Me’ blog .. but .. I don’t think anyone would want to read it really .. and it is a bit embarrassing sometimes and I have this silly thing about having started it on a Tuesday) .. so again .. too much information .. the mind running on and maybe I should learn to control it .. There were some good comments on that thing I looked at last thing at night the other day .. Some Zen quotes or something and somewhere in there it was well expressed about the one who is talking doesn’t have time to learn or something like that ..
So where was I ? Mmm (I pop back and put some links in to the vids just in case I do blog all this crap) ..
And .. I suppose the point is .. absolutely dog tired and falling asleep at the comp, I decided to have a look what it would be like using the keyboard with Mixcraft (and maybe afterwards Fruity Loops and Cubase .. ) .. Well that was fun .. !
So easy actually .. not a bad piano sound and actually a quite good sax sound .. (thinks .. could I import VST instrument into Ableton somehow ? .. probably) ..
I did a meandering track of an unedited paino idea as it came to me and then trying out the sax and then adding some bass .. (after the fact, which is not good timing-wise but helps to suss out, a) what is really happening vis a vis chord changes and basic arrangement and b) some sort of skill in doing bass instead of just following the melody)
and finally some drums .. which though it is not a typical drum kit thing of driving the rhythm is more like an added percussion to emphasise and underline bits .. a skill which I am developing out of necessity ..
Alltogether .. though very rough it was quick and easy and had ‘something’ a slightly haunting laid back thing and I liked it enough to listen to it a few times .. there is the germ of an idea there and also I am aware all the time that the last couple of things I have tried on the piano (after many years away from it and very rusty) .. have a lyric feel .. they beg for words and to be made into songs ..
So .. of course .. I banged it up on SoundCloud .. here:
http://soundcloud.com/sufibridge/meandering-trail
and .. to my surprise ! .. there is one comment on it from a guy in Los Angeles .. saying “Nice track.” Well ! ..
So this morning I went back to have a listen and played around putting some effects on which make the whole sound more rich .. I ought to put that version up if it sounds that much better (tho then I’d lose my one fan !  unless I leave both up and I am rapidly running out of time of course .. If necessary I can buy a £29.00 one or even get the five months if I go for the Ableton upgrade .. We’ll see .)
So is that it then ? .. more or less .. Another development was .. as I am interested in that lovely sax sound I like so much on arrangements (remember those days when people like Van Morrison and Joni Mitchel went jazzy with such lovely arrangements .. ?) I went and listened to Stan Getz of which I have quite a lot in my music folder, much of which I haven’t listened to properly, and got quite intrigued around a track called “Amorous Cat.” which is on an album called Apasionado. I also watched a video of the track on UTube .. and, as usual was impressed by the size of the venues and the numbers of people, as well as thinking about all the money that must be generated and how wealthy he must have become .. I didn’t go into his biography, which jumped up everywhere, but while looking for the chords or some music to the track did end up on one of those Guitar sites and had a quick look at Wonderwall and the words and chords .. I can’t for the life of me think what it is that intrigues me about Noel Gallagher .. I suppose bright and gutsy and Irish Mancunian .. The words are clever/poetic and the chords interesting enough to go back and check up on .. Strange to think how one may see a bit of how his head works (at least vis a vis the guitar) by looking at the chord progressions ..
There was all this advice about a capo on the second fret and your two fingers remaining on the same strings and I don’t know what .. but actually the chords are what is interesting .. I am kind of stuck around a sound I like, which seems to have originated in that kind of Los Angeles, Carol King, Steve Stills era thing .. and seems to be something to do with white notes on the piano and an A minor key perhaps .. the relative minor to C major ? so it would be good to try something different.
Anyway .. that’s about it .. except that the chords to what I was doing last night are around Amin7th Emin7th F and G .. though I think not exactly that ..
I even wonder wether to try to find someone to teach me about music as I was thinking a couple of years ago when I first arrived down here all ‘up’ and full of the joys of Spring and a new start etc etc ..
Hey ho .. Life is good all is well ..

Tuesday 10 April 2012

Just Me.

Page 10
Tuesday, 10th April 2012
06:55:Hrs;

Hi, good morning, still crazy after all these years .. yess .. but .. I can hear my father saying “If ifs and ands were pots and pans, there’d be no tinkers left to mend them.”
Funny how I am thinking of him a bit recently in relation to things in his life as well as mine .. There’s a sad lump of pain when I think of him .. Why wouldn’t there be ? It’s how I experienced him .. in the phase of his life when the results of his ‘misbehaviour’ in the church had finally brought his whole life tumbling down and here he was with two kids and a very emotional and neurotic, though attractive and bright, wife.
I don’t think I want to go into all that right now .. it’s a tangled web which brings little result but it was just nice to have been to his school that day with Patricia and, through a series of strange circumstances, connected with a phase of his life, prior to my birth, when he was an energetic and sporting and bright young man with some ideology ..
It was a whole different view of him which brought immense relief from the pain I had been carrying about him all my life as well as completely changing my view of him and enabling more love and respect for him.

I have been in a state of irritation and almost humiliation particularly with regard to the music .. It is fairly clear that what little talent I had is somewhat diminished .. There was a time when I did some interesting and likeable things on the piano and also I could play some pretty good rythmic guitar with interesting chords and made a few little whistful songs with a mystic air .

I have a sneaking feeling that all this is leading up to an admittance that it might be best to leave the music .. as I had already done prior to this intense phase ..with its sort of mad ‘last shot’ tendency and all the complications and frustrations of digital technology ..
The worst of it though (or maybe the best .. who knows ?) is that behind that is the feeling that writing is really what I ought to do .. I have to admit that it is what I would always have dreamed of doing especially at about this age and living in the South West ..
I could go off into a long thing about the manifesting thoughts or dreams thing LoA or Law of Attraction .. in relation to where I am living and what I am doing .. However ..
Here I am and as the old Zen monk replied to the novice’s question. “What’s next ?” .. “Nothing, this is it.” ..
It’s like that really .. he said, going off into a thing about not starting sentences with “and” .. though really it is a new sentence and it does start with ‘and’ .. which serves as a sort of “Umm” .. at the beginning of a new phrase rather than joining it to the previous phrase.
“Foolish, foolish, foolish nonsense.” .. says the voice in my head .. I wonder why I always have to put myself down for being disperse and complicated .. as well as many other things .. If I believe in God and Unity and the perfection of imperfection then why can’t I accept me ? I would suppose because that is the very perfection of imperfection .. that I just can’t accept my imperfections is the essence of my perfect imperfection ..
However .. one would suppose that the I that is looking at that is free from the liking or the not liking .. it is the one which can observe precisely because it is not identified with the egoic or false self .. It is closer to the Real Self which is the Self of all.

The very thought of it brought that disidentification and I easily got up and left the table where I am writing and felt all that tension of being trapped inside duality and the illusory world , just drop away .. As I looked at the pen and the penknife lying on the writing pad in front of me, where I had been trying to sketch out a song yesterday, I saw the perfection of their positions and relative positions .. the empty mug from my tea was exactly where it should have been and everything began to glow with a kind of “isness”.. an inner reality connected to the fact that it could not possible be any other way.  I went & sat on the sofa in wonderment at the beauty of the countryside outside and the  sunlight as it gradually filters into the valley where I am living.
First comes a connection to the underlying unity .. then comes a kind of swimming in it ..
Yesterday while trying to write this song (which I have never done on the piano before) .. an image came about the fabric and the design upon it ..We miss the underlying unity when we are entranced by the variety of its manifestation .. being in duality is like being always aware of only the design on the fabric .. the surface nature of things .. then comes the realisation of the fabric .. then comes a stepping back and realising that both are one in non-duality the cloth and the design .. andd then a further realisation that the supposed separate me that is observing all this is none other than what is also .. there is in fact no separation .. the fabric the design the observation, the observer  the observing and the observed are all one ..
The idealistic hope is that a general realisation of this truth .. the Truth behind illusion and then the realisation that the illusion is also The Truth .. that in fact there is nowhere to go and nothing to do .. it is all right here right now exactly as it is and unfolding exactly as it should .. and in reality there probably is no unfolding except to an observer limited by time and space .. The idealistic hope, is that the spread of that realisation, & a consequent raising of consciousness, would be the answer to solve the world’s problems and save us from the imminent self-destruction of the human race and much of this planet.
That last tiny thread of separation .. of hanging on to a separate me .. Allowing the unity .. the flow, the dissolving of the separate I .. It is all perfect right here right now .. the tapping of the typewriter keys .. the chirping of the birds outside .. the changes in the weather .. a slight chill and dampness in the air after an almost Mediterranean heat a week ago .. Doesn’t matter .. all is exactly perfectly right with no deviation right or left and no judgement .. Just is as it is because it must be and should be and can be no other way ..
Why the dissatisfaction ? One must learn to be satisified even with the dissatisfaction .. total acceptance of any circumstance or thing exactly as it is dissolves all the pain of dualistic judging and wanting anything in God’s perfect arrangement to be any other way ..
Pilsdon .. I don’t know why I think of that suddenly .. probably beecause it was the last time I tried to live with anyone in a community way and was sorely tested by others and had to work hard at accepting things being in a way which I did not like or approve of ..
The work here on my own is to accept what I don’t like in myself .. constantly confronted by my own ego and thoughts and finding my ‘self’ hard to live with .. a solution has to be found.
For some reason I got a bit intrigued by Noel Gallagher yesterday .. I had seen him being very amusing on the Graham Norton show .. and BBC iPlayer mentioned a Catch Up thing on an interview with Mark Lawson .. apart from the frustration of realising that catch up really meant ‘missed it’ .. or ‘what you missed’ precisely the opposite of catch up .. just emphasising the fact that it was too late to catch up .. as I say .. apart from that frustration .. I was able to observe in the clip that he has this incredibly competitive thing .. He has got to be on top with the quick put down and the “I’m the best.” “We’re the best.” attitude .. It all emphasised the emptiness of that whole thing .. yes .. attractive and amusing  .. but what an ego one must have to have, and what ambition !
I have neither of those things .. not in a self confident get to the top way .. However perhaps it is a sort of sour grapes thing and in fact my way of being number one and always on top is to make sure that no one else is around to stop me having everything exactly my own way when I need & how I like it ..

 I suppose .. any kind of enlightenment experience I may have is nearly always of the lonely poetic kind .. certainly not of the universal love kind .. useful and helpful to other people .. but then here I go again putting myself down .. Is there no escape ?
I wanted my writing to be useful .. and or interesting .. but basically I think it is mainly of interest to myself .. and even I cannot go back and read it sometimes .. the negative states it reflects being of no apparent use to anybody and only generating a kind of distaste .. 
A strange thought came to me this morning in relation to my funny little musical attempts .. I was filled with dread and embarrassment to think that actually what I have put on SoundCloud is absolute crap .. emphasised by the fact that it all appears on Face Book too .. and was perhaps exagerating the nature of their musical ineptitude in my mind .. It was then that I realised that I actually have come to rather like the weird ‘unmusical’ ones best .. the ones where I am not trying to be ‘musical’ as such .. just making strange sound poems .. blank verse rather than clever rhyme schemes if you like .. and as I thought about them I internally referred to them as ‘my babies’ and it was then that I realised how it is that a mother can so love a child even if it is ugly or in some way deformed or has an impediment .. It is precisely that deformity or impediment that increases the love .. The child is simply loved .. and is loved for that deformity not in spite of it .. That is obviously why love is such a solvent for everything .. it transcends the opposites and only the perfection of things as they really are is seen.
In that spirit .. I wonder if I can return to trying to make a little music and even try to finish this song ? ..
After all .. the song is trying once again to express the inexpressible and may end by sounding trite .. I don’t know .. As I sang along the melody in the car on the way to Bridport yesterday I did think it sounded rather ordinary .. It is so hard to be objective about one’s own attempts at creativity ..

I suppose the thing is that it is disappointing after all these years to find that one has been writing and writing and writing, for instance, or attempting music over and over again, without any real advancement .. merely repeating the same old mistakes ..
However hopes and fears are exactly the essence of duality and what keeps one trapped there all the time ..
One could say that the very wanting of enlightenment is precisely what stops us from attaining it ..
And practical eperience reality says that the lack of wanting it enough is probably what really stops us !  .. And another aspect or reality also says .. it is written for the one who obtains it and it cannot be any other way and he who is supposed to be enlightened will be and he who isn’t .. won’t ..
So also one could say that if we all knew and totally accepted that, we’d probably all be enlightened ! 
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08:49:Hrs; Funny to have to write all that stuff out even just to start the day .. but .. it is what I do .. that’s my way .. trying to change it .. or wanting to change it just makes me unhappy .. judging it in any way makes me unhappy .. I suppose I must just allow it .. I wonder wether to chuck it up on a blog or two .. ? Well at least one ..
I really still should have a blog which is nothing more than just my diary online .. “Just me.” or something .. take it or leave it but not pretending to be a “non-dualist” or a sufi or anything else .. just me .. (Unique just like everybody else).


09:59:Hrs;
Well .. I did that .. and found the new blogger thing .. well .. O.K. but like everything else it all moves all the time and all the improvements just keep one in a constant state of learning  all the new updates ..
I did see some stuff to edit but found that quite hard to find .. and then .. when I found it I was too tired and exhausted and hungry to find all the words again in the edit version ..
Also I realised that I never said what I was going to .. which is that giving up the music again to concentrate on the writing is only probably like taking up the music again in the first place .. i.e. another illusion or delusion and to be followed by the inevitable disillusion ..
If I can just accept that it is what I do .. with no agenda and no apparent use .. then O.K. ..
of course being me and the way that I am I also worry about the fact that I started this one on a Tuesday .. the “devil’s day” of the week according to traditional Islam .. a day generally without barakah or blessing .. not a good day on which to start anything new ..

10:34:Hrs;
Trying to find the ‘proper’ way to underline a short line (like the time) & then quit the underline with no problems .. seems very complicated in this new Word ..
Going to look at Noel Gallagher’s web site for (what?) don’t remember now .. end up with some comment from Paul Weller and then finding NME .. so strange but also so nice to see people like Roger Daltrey talking .. all those guys have generally become such good blokes .. Some kind of nobility gets generated by all the experience and the power that money linked with communication and the power to influence people brings ..
Now I remember what it was .. trying to connect with his Twitter page to see what it throws up from time to time .. seems that if you put his name in a search you get loads of stuff with his name mentioned but not a link to his tweets ?
When I go to his website there is a link to his on the road diary but so much guff thrown at you (as usual) and so much signing up nonsense (as usual) that I just drop it before I even find out if he has anything interesting to say or there is some kind of reflection of the experience he has on tour ..

Anyway .. did it again and this time was easy using the FB sign in thing .. annoying in a way that they all want a piece of the action .. so the cleverest one wins, as usual .. which so often these days is FB .. I see they have just bought Instagram for a billion dollars (!) ..
One great new thing about Blogger is that I can copy and paste my stuff straight out of the new Word without having to change all the font sizes and so on .. wether that is the new Blogger or the new Word or both I don't know .. but .. keeping up with the new certainly helps in this techy digiworld.

Realization is but the opposite of ignorance. To take the world as real and one's self as unreal is ignorance, the cause of sorrow. To know the self as the only reality and all else as temporal and transient is freedom, peace and joy. It is all very simple. Instead of seeing things as imagined, learn to see them as they are. When you can see everything as it is, you will also see yourself as you are. It is like cleansing a mirror. The same mirror that shows you the world as it is, will also show you your own face. The thought "I am" is the polishing cloth. Use it.
Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj


11:27:Hrs;I try to go to the stuff I was doing yesterday but it all sounds pretty hopeless .. the fact that the violin makes that crazy scraping noise just palls me into a state of hopelessness fearing that it may be due to the CPU and if not .. how long will I spend trying to sort that one out ?
The piano playing varies and the idea of singing when I may be overheard puts me off .. (especially knowing that my voice hardly works for speaking now .. it  gets so little use as I never see anyone) ..
I’m loathe to try and do it all again .. & have nearly lost all interest ..my last and only hope is to do stuff as I used to .. but I’ve forgotten what I did then ..all that messing around with clips and cutting bits up as they do in other DAWs ..
Bah ! I’ll have a little play around maybe .. but I despair of producing anything worthwhile listenable to or now .. even interesting .. the expenditure and the rigours of technology have spoiled it for me ..
Turn on the program again and .. no midi signal as is so often the way .. I just can’t be bothered with it .. I have lost interest and have to accept that I wasted my money ..
don’t know wether I want to change this keyboard before the month is up .. I’m completely fed up with it all now .. have to make up my mind when that pain is not screwing into the heart and the head and the humiliation  ..

13:50:Hrs;

O.K. .. I’ve done something new in Live 8 .. thrown up loads of things of course as usual .. however .. not to be too negative ..

1) I managed to make a reasonable drum pattern.
2) I managed to make a reasonable organ clip.
3) I managed to make a reasonable guitar audio clip.
4) I whacked out some words and sang/spoke them.
5) I mixed it all and found fairly suitable effects
6) I sussed out the returns thing.
7) I did the transposing in both the note view and the audio view for the guitar and organ.

There are obviously many many anomolies and rough edges but .. as  a rough first draft that is a great improvement on some of the other crazy experiments .. by which I mean I have a small measure of control and a better understanding of the software ..

All your going and coming, seeking pleasure, loving and hating - all this shows that you struggle against limitations, self-imposed or accepted. In your ignorance, you make mistakes and cause pain to yourself and others, but the urge is there and shall not be denied. The same urge that seeks birth, happiness and death, shall seek understanding and liberation. It is like a spark of fire in a cargo of cotton. You may not know about it, but sooner or later the ship will burst in flames. Liberation is a natural process and, in the long run, inevitable. But it is within your power to bring it into the now.
Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj


I could put that on my blog ?  .. generally true no ?